Religious Orders

Why I Hate the Food Network

Posted: Wednesday July 21 2010 @ 7:44am

Religious Order: Food

With my mind on Anthony Bourdain, I thought I'd list some of the things that bother me about the Food Network.

1) Most of the people can't cook. Sometimes this isn't a problem. I'm perfectly willing to watch Sunny Anderson for hours on end simply because I like to daydream about her wrestling Mrs. Neely in a big vat of pudding.

2) Too many competitions, with the main feature of them being that the judges are assholes.

3) Guy Fieri needs to shut the fuck up. Every time he asks someone on DDD to describe how they make something, he inevitably then interrupts them, trying to anticipate each step himself. You fucking asshole! It's some poor schmucks one shot at TV publicity and you won't let him/her explain their own damn food. Shut up you fucking narcissist!

4) Rachael Ray is an idiot. We're watching that show where she toddles around a foreign location, trying to eat on less than $40. It's Belgium! Hey, I like waffles and chocolate! Let's watch!

And I notice something. She eats food, then is unable to say anything even remotely intelligent about it. She basically just smiles and says Yum! Shit, even Guy can somewhat describe what he likes about the food he's eating. Rachael can, literally, only manage to tell us that it's nummy. Contrast that to a Bourdain description and it makes you want to cry.

5) The Next Food Network Star is an idiotic show. You would think that, if it weren't, the winners would be, I dunno, actual stars now? (Okay, Guy Fieri is a star. But, get this, not for his cooking show. No, he's famous for his show where he interrupts people and shoves food into his face. The show where he actually cooks is just Emeril-lite with a bad bleach job.) But the shows featuring the winners actually cooking always bomb. Maybe they should rethink the concept.

The show would be much better if they had contestants like this fucking idiot.

Also, if you want to know how rotten these shows are inside, here are two things from the contract that everyone signs, at least for the first season: 1) The winner isn't actually guaranteed a show. They're guaranteed an appearance on a show, any show. That's it. 2) They explicitly reserve the right to edit footage to show you in a misleadingly negative light. Yes, they do come right out and say it.

6) Sandra Lee. Kwanzaa Cake. Nuff said.

No, actually, that's not enough said. In the same episode, she presented her Hanukkah cake that used marshmallows. A non-kosher Hanukkah cake! And she hid the fucking things inside the cake! Surprise!


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