"Cookie God" is the first song I ever recorded. It's wonderfully free of any real instruments. (Sounds like it too.) But keep in mind that I have a nephew that adores the tune, such that it is. The title was stolen from a Jack Chick tract. In the tract, it refers to Catholic communion. In this song, it refers to, well, cookies. Especially chocolate chip cookies. Especially Carol's chocolate chip cookies. A woman who makes cookies that good deserves to win the lottery.
|Butt Stinkin' Man|
Another half-assed song without any sort of instrumental support.
This one is more of actual song. Not much more. The title was taken from the password off of an AOL disc. (I must confess that I helped beta test AOL's initial Windows client. I remember when the client ran under GEOS. Actually, I remember when it was Quantum Link and it catered to the Commodore world.)
|Death By Monkeys|
This isn't so much a song as an aural story. Not much of a story, but a story nonetheless. Death. Monkeys. That's about it, really.
|Giggling (Pre-pubescent) Girls Theme|
Dedicated to the ice-cream girls of Hungary. They blew us kisses and laughed at my hat. No, they didn't really turn me on. Their older sisters did, though.
"Bunko" is the Hungarian equivalent of "hick." Literally, it means "club," and refers to big dumb folks. This refers to a friend of mine. It's meant in loving jest.
|I Didn't Hit On Penney (So I Must Be Gay)|
Penney's so damn hot that if you haven't hit on her, well, you must be gay. (If you think I'm picking on gays, you're missing the point. I'm picking on Penney.) Done in one take. Broke a string part way through. Who's gonna notice?
Jingle Bells sung to the tune of Silent Night. Harder to do than you might imagine. This tune was featured on my hit CD "Christmas With Tom," which sold an astonishing three copies. It was my holiday CD for 1999. I repeated it on my 2000 CD.
Silent Night sung to the tune of Jingle Bells. Lots more fun. This also appeared on both my 1999 and 2000 holiday CDs. The 1999 CD also included two other holiday classics, but the source files were lost long ago. (Lost in that I haven't bothered looking for them.)
|Jingle Bells (Live in Cresco)|
I supplemented my 2000 holiday CD by adding some extra tracks. First was this "live" version of Jingle Bells. Actually, I just added some echo to the voice and stuck in some Cheap Trick At Budokan crowd noises. (Cresco is a small farming town in Iowa. It's the county seat of mighty Howard county. Hogs out-number people 4 to 1. One summer, in an effort to reduce a hog surplus, the town motto was "Raise a fork. Eat more pork!" It's also known as the "Birthplace of Genius." I was born there.)
|Silent Night (Satanic Version)|
Also added to the 2000 holiday CD is this satanic version of Silent Night. Basically, I just reversed the audio and added laments in the background.
|A Christmas Wish Just For You|
The holiday CD was closed out with this important Christmas wish, made just for you.
|Introduction To An Untainted Xmas|
"Untainted Xmas" was my holiday CD for 2001. It's short for "Untainted by the fetid stench of humanity." Everything on the CD is computer-generated. Most of the music was put together with a audio loop sequencer. I shamelessly abused AT&T's speech synthesis site for the vocals. (They now expressly forbid folks from doing this.) This track introduces the concept of an Untainted Xmas.
|12 Days of Christmas|
The nice thing about audio looping software is that it makes the repeated verses really easy. Easy to make. Not particularly easy to which to listen.
|Deck The Halls|
I love the dispassionate fa-la-la-la-las.
The bells cut out half a beat early just to annoy you.
|Joy To The World|
Ooo! Spacey! No attempt at all at a melody.
|O Christmas Tree|
Contains real trumpets. Sampled trumpets, but trumpets none the less. This song was actually included on an xmas CD some guy made as a production resume. I don't think he got the job.
|Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer|
Contains the classic call and response vocals. "Like a light bulb!"
"Silent Night" was the first song completed for this CD. I probably should have stopped there.
|Up On The Housetop|
Tension builds via ever escalating six-millions-dollar-man sounds.
|We Wish You A Merry Christmas|
Another spacey track.
|CTC8 Theme (Censored Version)|
This is a theme song for a conference put on by my former employer. This is the censored version. The full version contains an extra verse that pokes fun at a former employee as well as a funding agency. I could only manage to play the guitar part once, so I just looped it enough times to fill out the song.
|Black Whale's Death Song|
An initial experiment with a Mac mini, GarageBand, and a big-ass MIDI keyboard. Roughly named after the Velvet Underground's "Black Angel's Death Song." No actual guitars were used in the making of this track. But you probably guessed that.
My holiday CD for 2002 contained but one song, a slow dirge-like version of White Christmas. It's slow for the simple reason that I can't play a guitar any faster.
|(You Ain't Gettin') Crap for Christmas|
My holiday CD for 2005 was created in one afternoon, shortly before xmas. It's just an acoustic guitar, poorly tuned, and me, also poorly tuned.
Impressed? Appalled? Lemme know at email@example.com!